While anticipated with plenty of buzz as an early actionfest for the spring release schedule, Louis Leterrier's big-budget remake CLASH OF THE TITANS beefed up its monster mash for a 3D release but populated the epic with wafer-thin characters.  Reminiscent of how Zeus toys with his human creations like moving their mini-figurines in a disaffected chess match, the two-dimensional script by Travis Beachman, Phil Hay and Matt Manfredi pushes its characters through plot points and intermittent battles with monsters without any dramatic destiny.

According to ancient legend, the king of all ancient gods Zeus (Liam Neeson) fathered a demigod son Perseus who was nearly murdered in infancy.  Young Perseus was save and adopted by a craggy fisherman (a regrettably underused Pete Postlewaite) to fulfill his destiny written by the immortals upon Mount Olympus.  The misfit youth grows up to be a strong, sturdy Australian man in the guise of Sam Worthington — apparently both Olympus and the greek city of Argos are polyglot havens with international accents, none of them being Greek.  But in the intervening years, humans have tired of worshipping Zeus and the gods as they were created to do, thus sapping the immortals of their divine powers.  Jealous, cast-out brother of Zeus, Hades (Ralph Fiennes having borrowed Hagrid's wig and beard from the HARRY POTTER series) plots to wage a campaign of terror against humanity to regain their obedience through fear.  Perseus, tired of the Gods' capricious rule over humanity, vows to defeat Hades' plan to destroy Argos with his underworld beast, the Kraken.  Yes, the Kraken belongs to Scandinavian and not Greek mythology, but the remake chooses to overlook this small detail as well for the sake of a CG-powered third act climax, so let's just move on.

What follows is a highly episodic adventure of Perseus and his band of malcontent soldiers (led by the ever-grumbling Mads Mikkelson) who must battle giant scorpions, survive the wrath of cursed Calibos, befriend nomadic djinns, and behead the dreaded Medusa.  Where CLASH OF THE TITANS fails is the story plays out exactly like the previous description, a progression of tasks and plot complications one following another without ever developing human interest in any of these characters. Perseus gets some divine guidance along the way from his guardian angel Io (Gemma Arterton who should do better in PRINCE OF PERSIA this summer), but his cardboard-flat resistance to all things godly prevents any romantic (or dramatic) connection between them — and likewise the audience.  One pseudo-romantic moment between them arises as Io attempts to teach Perseus how snake-like Medusa will fight him: his passion for battle grows intense as they dodge each other's attacks until he corners her on her back — at which point she softly pushes against his chest and utters the warning, "Ease your storm." Giggles erupted from the audience at this and a couple like moments from the cliché-riddled script, along with silent waves of pity for the actors forced to say such lines.  None of the cast ever seem comfortable in their costume drama roles, while Worthington soldiers through as best he can, though it's a complete mystery why he's the only man in Argos with a TERMINATOR:SALVATION buzz cut.

Credit where it's due: the CG visual effects which bring these Scorpiochs, Harpies, Gorgon and Kraken to life enjoy some photorealistic integrity and blend with their human foes well in battle.  If you're looking for a monster mash this weekend, CLASH may well provide the goods.  But these creature feature sequences are placed throughout the story with all the dramatic subtlety of track meet hurdles, propping up the film with sword-clashing and CG dazzle when the characters fizzle.

Those following the film know that its release was delayed when Warner Brothers opted to have additional prints of the film converted for 3D viewing to ride the format's newfound buzz in theaters.  The results are clearly disappointing in how this conversion has muddied up the viewing experience, dulling down colors and creating some truly unintended 3D side effects: witness one shot of our warriors riding off into the sunset atop giant scorpions, apparently ducking under the sun's rays which seem to stretch across their path while the sun itself appears about two hundred yards beyond the far dune.  It's obvious Leterrier didn't conmpose such shots for 3D and not only was the forced conversion unnecessary, but it actually inhibits viewing enjoyment by darkening the entire film.  We've heard reports of blurred effects shots as well, but this wasn't apparent in our preview screening at the always high-quality ArcLight theater.  FilmEdge suggests ticket buyers consider attending a 2D screening unless the lure of 3D technology beckons you strongly.

CLASH OF THE TITANS starts the summer silly season early, but its monster rally appeal may satisfy those fans who have yearned for a CG-era update of the campy 1981 original film or those who simply seek two hours of mythbusting action.  If you're expecting epic drama to accompany 3D gods and titans, you may be flat out of luck.